Adventures in Corporate Sluttery
Road Rules


Sweet Mother of Mary, dear readers, New York is a scary city. Did you know that some nightclubs stay open untill 5:30 in the morning? They even will continue to serve you tasty alcoholic beverages! Shocking!

Depending on the career you choose, you will sometimes be asked to get on a plane and go do business in some other part of the planet. Business trips can be alot of work, but they should always be alot of fun. If you work for cool people, all of your expenses plus a good portion of your fun will be covered, so managing your finanaces is only important in terms of making sure you get the best out of the company dollar. Also, and other key thing to remember is that business trips are like summer camp, or the first week in college residence in that nobody knows who you are. Keep these things in mind, becuase I'll go into detail later. So, without further ado, I present my authoritative guide to business trips!

Rule #1. You are Chuck Norris, James Bond, and P.Diddy all rolled into one.

As I briefly mentioned before, business trips are like summer camp. Unless you're traveling to the same fucking places and meeting with the same boring people, you're going to be constantly in front of a new group of people. At the office, everyone already knows your details; You chew loudly when you eat your lunch, you're perpetually late for meetings, you have a hard time forming complete sentences around the hot girl from HR. But on the road, you can be anyone you want to be. need some conversation starters? here's a few stock phrases I keep in my back pocket:

-"Oh for sure, volunteer work is so rewarding. When I was in Nepal teaching disabled orphans to read I.........."

-" Yeah, office culture really makes it difficult to balance your life. I had to completely cut back on my competative kickboxing schedual as soon as I got my promotion. Now I can only train 3 days a week......."

-"The travel schedual is really getting to me. I mean, one week in in Prague, the next week, i'm in Italy, and then i'm somewhere in......"

-" Oh wait, that's the average for fully erect? oh well then I gotta show you....."

Obviously, your volunteer expirience consists of the community service hours you were forced to serve for unpaid parking tickets (i mean, it wasn't even something sexy like a DUI, or manslaughter) , your work out routine consists of Xbox and masturbating while standing, and the farthest you've been from the office besides this trip has been your house, but who the fuck is going to know? Obviously not the people you are talking to on the road. Whether you're trying to impress clients, or snag some hard earned road nookie, remember; whoever said to thyne own self, be true Dropped that line on their collection of lifesize Star Wars dolls before working up the courage to blog about it on Live Journal. Fuck that guy, and everyone who looks like that guy (thanks, George). On the road, you're superman, you're Max Power, you're motherfucking Han Solo.

Rule #2. Know Your Body.

Nobody likes being hung over at work, but since you are on a buisness trip, you are mandated by The Lord your God to go out and get your respective freak, sippy, smoke, and/or Crunk on. Now, you will find that being in a new city with new and exciting people will give you much more energy, but remember, you are only human. If you know that on an average, non-business trip day, you require a full 8 hours to recover from going out and getting paraletic, you should allow for at least 1/3 that time (or 2.66 hours [decimal repeating]) to recover from business trip debauchery. Also, be mindful of your vice, and actively plan to only put things in your body that are not going to slow you down.

Now, on this topic, I want all who read this to know that I concider cocaine to be cheating. Come on, get creative! Calling your self a road warrior while blasting lines of blow off of the handdryer in the men's room is akin to doing the happy dance after beating the Original Mario Bros. and you used a Game Genie. My personal favorite in terms of legal methods of keeping the body going is to add Red Bull to absolutely everything you consume. Sure, my heart may explode at any minute, but damn that's shits tasty with Grey Goose.

Rule #3 Learn how to Collect Receipts

The trip was a blast, but when you go back, you must justify the company money you spent on the things you shouldn't have spent company money on. Basically, the rule of thumb is to collect a reciept for everything you buy. That's right, everything. I know, you're concerned that it would be terribly awkward to ask for a receipt in certain situations, but my friend, you are very much mistaken.

To make things perfectly clear for the record, Strippers will give you a receipt if you ask them.

Come on, now. Do you really think you're the first business guy she's met who is trying to justify her services as a business expense? She's a pro, goddamnit, so treat her with some respect. Don't worry, most places are very discreet. You're reciept isn't going to read:

$200 - "Ass as a Hat" special.

Although be warned that your boss might ask what bar charged you $200 for 2 rum and cokes.



So there you have it, folks. Now, I know alot of this boils down to the age old phrase" What goes on the road, stays on the road." but that is not an absolute truth. Things on stay on the road if you know what you're doing. For example, Herpes doesn't magically vacate your genitals whilst you're crossing the border. Your not a heroin virgin just because you shot up in another time zone. That hooker isn't any less dead. So, in short, play safe, have fun, and untill next time....

Get the fuck out of my office.


Love,

The Boss.

Adventures in Corporate Sluttery
Like a Jilted Lover.....

I thought things were going really well. Now it's been 2 weeks and he hasn't called, or written. It's like he just vanished. No final goodbyes or anything. How am I supposed to feel? I'm hurt! I'm upset! I feel betrayed! I feel disrespected.

I had an employee go AWOL

This motherfucker had the gall to simple leave on a tuesday, and just stop showing up because he didn't like the job. Not only did he just disappear, but the day before he asked me to keep the office open late so he would work late. It would only be me and him in the office, and normally I wouldn't do that because it's not worth my time, but he was new so I thought I'd let him have at it. And then.....nothing. nada. zilch. void. emptyness.

At first I thought he might just be sick, and as time passed I was truly concerned for his well being. I started calling his place and e-mailing him. No answer. My parental instincts soon turned to an epic monolith of anger. a Madcropolis. Not only has my time been wasted, but I look like a bit of a putz to the boss by hiring someone who would pull such shit. But most importantly, I should have been able to smell this shit comming. Most of my anger is truly directed inward, as I feel as my intuition failed. Therefor, this issue of Corporate Sluttery is dedicated to routing out fence jumpers.

Now this particular guy caught me completely by surprise, but most people who are looking to quit suddenly arn't great poker players. You can tell by their body language and the way they relate to other people in the office that thay are planning on giving you the ol "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, i'm outta here" speach. As an effective manager, it's your job to fire these people with furious bravado before this can happen. This can actually be a blessing in disguise; how bad can you feel about canning someone in a hilarious fashion when you know they were going to quit anyway. Alright, first things first; here are some tips on identifying these lowlife job-haters.

Characteristics: people who are looking to quit are wrestling with the choice between leaving immediately, and hanging around to collect a few more paycheques while they line up their next job. Now, since most people who decide to quit a job are b-type wuss-bags, they will almost always decide on option two. Unless they are total unfeeling cunts, this lot will feel guilty about this decision. Not guilty enough to do anything about it, but guilty enough to mope around the office, become terribly nervous when superiors are in the general vacinity, and only work on short term tasks. Now, people who are quiting usually have come up for a reason why they are quitting to justify their decision to be underachieving drifters; The work is too hard, they don't get along with their co-workers, the coffee sucks, they don't get paid enough, their managers throw office supplies at them, someones touched them in a naughty place, etc...... So during this pre-quitting period, they are going to be much more vocal about these supposed injustices, as they no longer care about keeping their job.

Quick Reference description: meek, passive-agressive, sweaty palmed douchebag. Eyes will be shifty, clothes will be wrinkled. Usually will smell of cheap alcohol and failure.


Solution: Pulling off the perfect pre-quit firing is a very, very difficult task. This maneuver requires expert timing for maximum satisfaction. The integral part of this move is being able to know exactly when the person in question is going to quit. This, dear readers, is not a skill I can teach. This would be like asking a jedi how to force choke people: you can't just learn it, you've got to feel it. (oh, and to anyone who gives me that " jedi's don't know force choke. that's a dark side power" bullshit, beleive me, Jedis know the force choke, and you're a huge dork)

Anyway, once you've mastered the skill of devining an employee's quit-point, you are now free to unleash wanton mental and physical doom on them. Make them get you coffee and then tell them to bring it back when they didn't use cream instead of milk, invite them into your office and order breaktfast for two and eat both orders, or give them a fun nickname like "spud" or "dumpy". The list could go one, and on. The point is to get their blood boiling so that they're ready to give you the fucking best quit speach ever, and give you the verbal assault you more than likely deserve. They'll giggle at their desk thinking off all the stuff their going to get off their chest and the dramatic exit their going to make. Oh, what's this, a new e-mail in their inbox from the boss, eh?

Hi Gary,

Things just arn't working out. Please clear out your desk, and the security guards that are on their way will help carry your things to your car. It has been a pleasure working with you.

Sincerely,
Your lovely Boss

Oh Shit! What the Fuck Now, Pussy?! Didn't see that comming, did you Dumpy?! After reading something like this, the now ex-employee in question will be too stunned to say anything, as they've been forcebly denied their final act of revenge.

Now, there is a completely different way to play this situation. Obviously, people who are hanging on at a job before they jump ship are going to spend most of their time looking for a new job. If they are stupid, they will conduct their job hunt using the office's internet connection, meaning you and your IT demons should be able to track their corespondance with other employers. Now instead of tormenting him, become his best friend. Overload them with praise and acolades, invite them out to all the important-people lunches, give them exciting and challanging work. As soon as you know they've gotten an offer from an employer and have accepted, invite them into a meeting. Congratulate them on the fine work they've been doing, and tell them hey've been promoted and will be getting a very huge raise and a company car. Now you wait for the fish to bite the lure. Noone can resist being top fucking dog, so they will more thasn likely accept your offer. Order your IT minions to alert you as soon as this person has sent an e-mail telling the other company they've reconsidered and will be staying put. Oh Look, somethings popped into my inbox, maybe the boss wants to hit the steakhouse for lun.....


Hi Gary,

Man, did you see last nights numbers? awful bit of business, but it looks as if we're going to have to let you go. So sorry! Good luck in the future. Security is on route to help you with your things! (still up for beers later?)

Cheers,
Your Main Man! (the boss)



Wow, can you imagine? Make sure security rolls up on his cubicle with guns drawn cause this guy might go apeshit. Oh the betrayal! How's it taste, motherfucker! You were about walk out on us after years of training, paid-for lunches, and the privilage of telling people you worked for me? take that, work-hater!

Okay, so obviously I'm still alittle torn up about this guy walking out on us. I mean, what sort of job do you walk out on? It's like he was equating us to working at Taco Bell, and I think that's really what makes me upset. Meh, I've got to move on. There's work to be done here. If, outside of 9 to 5, I see him on the streets, i don't know what I'd do. Do I keep my cool, and just brush the whole situation off? Or do I do what my heart says is right and hit him in the teeth with a claw hammer?


Sincerely,

Your awesome Boss

Don't send me your CV
(If you are fucking stupid)


I've been in charge of hiring my staff for about the last 5 months now, and I think i've become pretty keen at being able to distinguish a well constructed resume from a poorly crafted one. What continues to amaze me to this day is what some people think is acceptable to send in. Granted, I'm not hiring brain surgeons; I need to fill entry level sales and marketing positions. But for fuck sake, sometimes the shit that comes accross my desk that is aparently supposed to be a resume makes me fear that the educational system has failed an entire generation.

Parents, for god sake, teach your children how to put together a resume. Teach them that while most people don't read cover letters, submitting one that is obviously the same one for every job they apply for makes them look like shit-heaps that are looking for somewhere to sit and collect a paycheque.

In general, it's important for prospective employees to realize that the people they call for jobs are paying attention to everything. Comming off like a mouth breather even when not discussing job stuff is a hard hurdle to get by. For example, my company has ads out there for a number of different sales and marketing jobs. here is both the wrong and right way to do things:

THE WRONG WAY:

caller: Hi, I'm calling about the job.

Me: Okay, well we have advertized a number of different sales positions. which one were you interested in?

Caller: The sales job.

Me: Like I said, we have many different sales postions available, which one are you applying for?

Caller: Oh, well, what are my options.

Me: to hang up now, or wait to hear the dial tone. Have a nice day.


THE RIGHT WAY

Caller: Hello, i'm calling about the position advertized in the paper?

me: Okay, well we have advertized a number of different sales positions. which one were you interested in?

Caller: I'm interested in the sales postion for (specific whatever). I've heard alot of great things and simply by hearing the sound of your voice, I can tell you're are an excellent manager who is probably in amazing physical shape and has lots of sex.

me: When can you come in for an interview?


See? Easy! okay, so that last part is alittle over the top, but you get the point. be specific! this goes as well for the meat of your resume as well. Do you think I give two sweet fucks that you won the science fair in grade 5? or that you are an avid fan of star wars conventions (okay, that might score some points. but be sure to list your religion as "jedi". I don't hire sith)? keep shit pertinent, and be organized. Oh, you went to school? That's fucking lovely. What year did you go there, and what did you study? I mean, it's all well and good that you went to McGill, but if you went there 30+ years ago and took 7 years to do a 1 year certificate in philosophy, i would like to be kept in the loop.

I think sometimes i'm too nice to people comming for an interview. If somebody shows up late for an interview I should tell them the positon was filled during the time between when they were supposed to be here, and when they actually showed up.

Oh, and another thing; don't tell your interviewer your life story, and think it has a bearing on the hiring process. I'm not in the habit of handing out jobs based on my level of pity for you. And the factthat you are a lesbian born again christian who likes to garden doesn't really tell me how motivated you are about working for me.

Sorry, this is becoming an unhinged rant. I've just been kinda of depressed with the quality of people we've had apply with this batch of ad's. There are definitely a few promising applicants, so I'm hopeful we'll get ourselves a good team soon. I think I've also beome alot more discerning when it comes to the hiring process. I hate to say it, but hiring is sorta all about discrimination. I know you speak english, but if I can't clearly understand you through your accent on the phone, how can I expect our clients to understand you? And middle age people (and this is a pretty silly view, as one of our sales guys started at the age of 56 and is doing just fine) are usually a no deal. If you have so much drive and ambition, what are you doing applying for an entry level postion at your age? Shouldn't you be rich by now? I know, that's a pretty flimsy argument, but after previeous expirience, older sales people tend to expect a much higher base salary then we are willing to pay, don't take well to a 24 year old training them, are alittle dodgy when it comes to the internet, and sometimes smell like cabbage. And I'll tell you one thing; Success doesn't smell like cabbage.


Okay, i'm done. Realy. Great, my phone is ringing. I'm sure he has a aterribly written resume he's dying to send to me.

Love,

The Boss

My Latest Red Herring Article

Since most of the people who visit here no longer attend my Alma Mater, I thought I'd post my most recent attempt at humor for you all to enjoy.

Adventures in Corporate Sluttery
Know Your Co-Workers (and hate them)


Hey faithful readers, it’s your old pal Jesse Gainer, back for another edition of “Adventures in Corporate Sluttery”! Most of you reading this are probably freshman, so therefore have no idea who I am, or how I came to be your “old pal”. Don’t worry, I’m confused about that, too.

I graduated from McGill about a year ago, and have since then been a manager at an anonymous and highly successful internet company. In other words, I am “the man”. I have employees, an expense account, silk ties, and a collection of cuff links. I get people to put together reports for me that I never read. I get a hard on when somebody calls me “sir”, especially if that person is significantly older than me. If we actually hired women, I could probably bang a chick in the copy room on credentials alone.

A good portion of you freshman will work in an office environment at some point in your life, either for a summer job or as a post graduate attempt at doing something with your Art’s degree other than starve. There are many different types of office jobs in a variety of industries, but one thing remains constant; the type of people who work in offices can all be placed into one of a small group of categories. It is IMPERITIVE for your success that you quickly identify who you are working with and then how to deal with them. Therefore, I have created a small guide addressing some of these office worker types, and strategies on dealing with them.

1. The Prairie Dog

If you find yourself in a cubicle situation (this is what they meant by “your own office”), prairie dogs ensure you can never have a private conversation with anyone at work ever again. These are the people whose heads pop over the divider as soon as they here human speech, because they thought someone was talking about them, or at least that’s their excuse for trying to nose in on every goddamn thing that goes on within the office. I fucking hate these people and you will too. Prairie dogs are most easily recognized by their blank, anticipating gaze and stupid half smile while they wait for you to invite them into the conversation.

Solutions:

If You Are a co-worker: The Guilt-Out. Wait for them to pop up and mutter “ did you say something” or “what was that” and then launch into the sob story to end all sob stories, the more sad the better. Tell them you just got off the phone with your grandmother whose dying of kidney failure, and since she’s in Detroit she can’t afford medical care, and ever since your brother shot himself your mother has never been the same and your dad has never stopped drinking. If you need to really put a show stopper in there, bite the bullet and use a paper clip to giver your self a number of long cuts along your arm, show them to the prairie dog, and tell him all about how you’ve taken up self-mutilation.

If You are their manager: Engage them in whatever inane conversation they’re looking for for as long as they want, and at the end of your chat give them a giant assignment due by the end of the day. If they complain, say “well, we better stop chatting, looks like you’ve got your plate full!” be sure to grin big. The work will no doubt come back shoddy, at which point feel free to fire the sweet living shit out of them. Fucking slacker.

If you are actively trying to lose your job: Put signs up all around your cube featuring the prairie dog in question’s last name and “is a Rapist”. If they protest, blow your rape-whistle. (oh, get a rape whistle)


2. The Close-Talkin’ Touchy Fella (CTTF)

Ever get stopped in the hall by Bob from accounting who is just dying to give you the highlights from last night’s hockey game only to be whipping his bacon-tinted mouth spray off of your face 10 minutes later and wondering why his description of the goal in the 3rd period required him to touch your back and shoulders so often? CTTF’s usually wear gaudy suits with no tie and their shirt unbuttoned to their naval and think showering consists of an extra healthy sprits of Axe deodorant.

If You are a Co-Worker: Discouraging this sort of creepy, pseudo-sexual behaviour requires a lot of tact if you wish to remain on somewhat good terms with the person in question. There’s no polite way to tell someone “keep your sausage fingers to yourself, chunky pants.” So what you need to do is get the office community involved. Quietly let it slip to others in your office that the CTTF in question has an unpopular disease, like scabies, lice, leprosy, or bone cancer. Watch as everyone he approaches takes 2 steps back. He’ll get the hint eventually and respect your personal space.
.
If You are their Boss: This particular manoeuvre requires absolute consistency. Whenever you see this person, give them a soul-crushing, weekend killing amount of work to do. They will start to avoid you, but don’t stop here. Actively seek them out for the worst and most terrible assignments. Make them fear you. Scream at them in front of their peers. Drive to their house for random inspections. Soon their sole purpose in life will be to make sure they do not come within 500 feet of you. Oh, and if this effects their performance, fire them. Make sure to hug them after the firing.

If you are actively trying to lose your job: First, you must bait the CTTF slightly, with a “Hey man, did you catch the game last night” or a “oh shit son, you should been at the party on the weekend.”. No CTTF can resist this, so they will swoop in close. As soon as they lay a finger on you, aggressively go to third base with them. Massage their crotch with you hand, and with your other, stroke their hair. Keep the conversation as normal as possible, but try to throw in as many kisses as possible, and breath heavy.. If they protest, or push you, call them a pussy and walk away. ( warning: this could backfire. Be prepared to make a new close friend. )

3. The Useless Sack of Shit

This is your most common enemy. You send them an e-mail, and somehow they “didn’t get it”. They are never at their desk. They think a hard day’s work consists of sending silly pictures to their friends via MSN and playing solitaire. Ask them what they are working on and they’re answer will always start with “ ummmm….ah…..well….” The Useless Sack of Shit is sometimes difficult to identify, as part of their daily routine is to appear busy.

If you are a co-worker: Useless sacks of shit are only an issue if you depend on one of them to get your own work done. If you end up having to do all the work, grit your teeth and get it done. Remember, payback is a bitch, motherfucker. One day, they will need you to bail their ass out. At this point, act as if you’ve never met them before. No, really! If they ask for your help, introduce yourself, and ask if they are new. Take them on a tour of the office. Take them to meet their supposedly new boss. If your boss happens to to remember this person works here, apologise for your mistake and explain that you hadn’t actually met them before. If they get irate and start yelling, call security and tell them a crazy person somehow got into the office. Once they’re gone, take all of their office supplies.

If You are their boss: Make friends with your IT department for this one. Get this systems administrator to load your targets computer with the filthiest pornography the internet has to offer. I’m not talking your run of the mill cum-shots, or 18 people triple dildo DVDA gang-bangs. I mean some sick shit, like donkey on infant bukkake, or baby seal fisting. Saunter over to your targets desk before they find the questionable material and ask what they are working on. They will no doubt Alt-Tab over to some assignment they should have been working on instead of reading The Onion. As soon as they do so, make them get up so you can sit down and take a closer look. Pull up the smut fest and wait for the blubbering excuses to begin. Give them the choice between termination and the police. Prank call their house later and pretend to be the police.

If You are actively trying to lose your job: If you fit this category, useless sacks of shit are rarely a worry since you don’t actually care what gets done work-wise anyway. Hell, this category might actually apply to you. But hey, if you’re attempting to go out with a bang, why not bring some other shmuck with you, right? You’re probably doing this poor person a favour, as they are obviously not happy with the direction their career has taken. So go on and give their life a jump start!
Really, anything you can think of that will get you both fired will work, but try to be creative about it. If you are proficient with Photoshop, create some images of you and your new friend double teaming the boss’s wife and make 20x30 glossy posters. Hang one on each floor of your office. Or, since useless sacks of shit are prone to periods of deep sleep within the confines of their cubicle, wait till they are asleep and hide blasting caps, oily rags, and gas cans and then start a fire in their waste paper basket. Obviously, your target will be deemed a crazed arsonist and canned on the spot, as well as arrested. As soon as they’ve cleaned everything up, take your boss aside and let him in on your gag. Be sure to laugh and say “Boy, I sure got him good”. There are definitely a lot of easier ways to get yourself and someone else fired; the point here is to be creative.


Well, I hope some of this will help you on your future white-collar adventures. Learn to identify your office enemies and strike with furious anger.

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking “wait, if you’re a boss, why the fuck would you go to so much trouble? Why not just simply fire these people?” I can understand where you coming from; you’re students, and have yet to experience the pleasure of having employees. Why fuck with these people? Because I can, Goddamnit! After you’ve fired enough people, the experience is repetitive and boring. Do you know how many people cry the exact same way? Boo hoo, I’ll try harder, I promise! Can’t I have another chance? Blah, blah, blah,…. It’s monotonous, and after a while I’ve realized I’m not a sharp as I once was, and the people I was firing weren’t getting my full attention.. Therefore, my final parting advice to you is if you ever rise to a position of power, and have employees who need to be fired, be creative in your efforts, as you will learn to enjoy it, and the ex-employee will thank you for the experience, or die of malnutrition.

Jesse Gainer

My Skinny White Ass is Genetic

(Christmas Swim 2005)

Yup, that's right ladies, I didn't have to work for this body, DNA worked it's motherfucking mojo.

Tash and I are heading to Cape Breton on Friday for 8 or 9 days. I'm really stoked to be going on vacation, and am looking forward to spending time with my folks and my brother. A solid week of good food, good times, beach bumming, and general slothiness; Can't wait.

I also get to go to my good friend Kim's wedding. Oh, and it shall be an indie rock affaire with much cuffed-jean (or maybe cuffed-dress pant?) pompe and horn-rimmed glasses circumstance! Their wedding song will be something by Metic, or Postal Service, or whoever (i'm really not cool enough to listen to indie rock), and 60% of the guests will spend the rest of the evening talking about how their first album was better. In all seriousness, i'm really excited for Kim. This Rob fellow is definetely "good people", and Kim seems happier than she has a long while, so good stuff dude (mind you, their respective Indie Jedi Powers could be enough to destroy the planet as we know it.)!

Is that picture blinding anyone yet? Yes? okay good, that was my intent. See you all after my Vacation, bitches!

Love,

Jesse

My Nerves Suck

I went to a wedding on saturday. The person getting married was a friend of Tasha's from work who basically invited everyone she's ever met, so I was able once again to use the BF card to get on the guestlist. (Woot) It was your standard, awesome Greek wedding.

So, after the ceremony, we head to this Giant reception hall where we are treated to an open bar and lots of food. Once we are able to go into the dining room, we greet the family and sit. I finally got to meet all of the people Tasha works with, which was really awesome. Good people! Especailly this Pasquale fellow.

Alright, so to the point of this story; the MC gets on and starts announing the honor table. Pretty standard stuff; mom and dad, flower girls, ring boys, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then the big finale, The Bride and Groom! So they walk in and their names are read and just at that point men with guns stood up and started blasting off shots into the air inside the fucking reception hall. I damn near shit a brick. At this point, Tasha leans over and goes "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you there would be guns. It's a tradition in Crete!" Wow, just wow.

The fucked up thing was the effect of the shooting on me. Initially, I was shook up, but cool with it, but after awhile, the constant blast of gunfire unexpectedly just killed my nerves and i think I had a minor panic attack. it was cool, i just needed to get some air every once and a while, and we left a little early, cause it was getting to be a bit much. I was litterally a ball of nerves till I got to sleep. i think I also just got freaked out by getting freaked out.

Anyway, without delving too far into my ultra sensitivity to sudden loud noises, the interesting thing here is the tradition of firearms at a wedding ceremony. From a political science standpoint, this sort of thing seems to make sence in areas of the world with long histories of conflict, civil or otherwise. As the conflict affects the daily lives of inhabitents, who are forced to arm themselves, weaponry works its way into the traditions of the culture. I'm surprised there wasn't a wedding game called "shoot the turkish target". Anyone know anything about this beyond my theoretical conjecture?

Happy Satan Day!

Boo! Slayer's new album is not hitting stores today. Yes, I like Slayer.

Yes, within this clean cut, HC fashionista exterior beats the heart of a long haired, unshaven dirtbag, pumping my fist and swinging my ugly locks to songs about satan, war, and death. Although there is the occasional metal band here and there that comes out with a ditty that I like, I'm really not a metal fan, But I love Slayer. It's interesting (well it's interesting to me in an extremely self centered way, so by extention, i assume you are interested) because when I meet new people and we get on the topic of music and someone asks me what type of music I like, i invariably say "Hardcore", and I know, i just fucking know, they think I'm talking about "linkin Park" or "Staind" or any other radio friendly band that has guitars with distortion, but I can't launch into a pre-emptive diatribe, because then I'm the " I listen to exteme, underground music, and you just don't understand me" guy and although I am that guy to a certain extent, I don't need everyone knowing how uncool I am; I have a reputation to think of. Also, alot of people that hear the music I listen to would just assume it's metal, and assume I'm a metal fan. Don't get me wrong, like I said, there are some deadly metal bands out there; Children of Bodom, Lamb of God, Martyr & Cryptopsy ( both from the MTL, baby), and of course, the best metal band of all time, the aformentioned Slayer, but because so much of my enjoyment of music is derived from the lyics, and the sence of authenticity created thusly, Metal as rule is a little too fanciful. I can only take so many songs about the Dark Lord Of The Abyss Of Sorrow, Peeling Your Skin Off Using Lemon Juice and a Lady Bic, or the Wings of the Flame Dragon; i mean, how do I relate? Am I a spawn of the sulfer pits? Am I a Deranged Torturer? am I a mythological beast? Sure, i need my dose of music about defacing the bible with swimming pools full of blood, but on whole, i need my music to speak to me alittle more.


Is your musical taste misunderestood? Need a forum to vent? Want me to ridicule your favorite band? Post a comment!